So yesterday my new contact person at OPUS (a 2 year program for people between the ages of 18-35 with psychotic disorders) confirmed that I have been diagnosed with schizotypal disorder.
When I first heard it mentioned a couple of weeks ago I was very doubtfull, I didn’t feel like any of the symptoms fit with me and it just didn’t feel right, but during my meeting with my Contact we went through the symptoms and I can now better understand why I got that diagnosis.
I still feel doubtful. I have a constant feeling inside that every symptom is made up in my head, that I have convinced myself that I am suffering from this and am deliberately making myself seem sick in some twisted search for attention. It feels like there is another me inside that is feeding me these thoughts and feelings and things to say to make people believe I am sick, but I don’t know how to stop it, and I don’t know how to tell the difference between my own thoughts and feelings and the ones that come from the other me. It is very distressing since I don’t feel I can trust my own thoughts and never know when a thought is true and when it is made up. It is making me distrustful of myself and others since I also have a feeling that everyone else knows that I am making it up and they are just playing along all the while hating me for it and laughing at me behind my back, rolling their eyes everytime I turn my back to them.
I suspect that this is just another symptom of the disorder. It isn’t pleasant.
I will meet my contact again next week together with a doctor, who will perform a medical exam.
I don’t really know what more is to come, I am just trying to get used to the idea of having this diagnosis.
I am sharing this here because I’ve been having trouble finding any stories online of people with the same disorder so I hope that this might provide someone else with what I have been looking for.
Schizotypal Disorder as defined by the ICD-10:
“A disorder characterized by eccentric behaviour and anomalies of thinking and affect which resemble those seen in schizophrenia, though no definite and characteristic schizophrenic anomalies occur at any stage. The symptoms may include a cold or inappropriate affect; anhedonia; odd or eccentric behaviour; a tendency to social withdrawal; paranoid or bizarre ideas not amounting to true delusions; obsessive ruminations; thought disorder and perceptual disturbances; occasional transient quasi-psychotic episodes with intense illusions, auditory or other hallucinations, and delusion-like ideas, usually occurring without external provocation. There is no definite onset and evolution and course are usually those of a personality disorder.”