New Diagnosis

Hey there!

I wrote earlier on that my doctors were considering changing my diagnosis from Schizotypal disorder to Schizophrenia.
Well, I had a conversation with a special doctor and my contact at OPUS (place of treatment for people with psychotic disorders) where the doctor asked me a bunch of questions about symptoms and stuff and he then officially diagnosed me with schizophrenia because my symptoms match schizophrenia better than schizotypal disorder. He said he was surprised my diagnosis hadn’t been changed earlier on.

I feel like it doesn’t make that big of a difference for me if I am dignosed with schizophrenia or schizotypal disorder. It doesn’t change anything in how I perceive myself or my identity.
I am more concerned with what other people might think of me. I am afraid that people I know will be sceptical. That they might think I am making it up because I don’t seem sick. Of course I don’t have to tell anyone that I have schizophrenia, but I want to be able to tell people without experiencing this fear of judgment. I don’t want to care about what people think of me… but right now I do.
One thing I find challenging is that my depersonalization and derealization gets worse with this new diagnosis. When I experience these things I feel like everyone are actors (including myself) and that we are all pretending that I am sick. We all know that there is nothing wrong with me, but we pretend there is.
I feel like I am lying to everyone, and making them think I have schizophrenia for attention. I feel awful. I hate it. When I talk about my symptoms and say out loud “I have schizophrenia”, it feels like a straight up lie. I honestly don’t know if I am speaking the truth or not in those moments.

I hope things will get better soon.

Thank you for reading!